A good friend hasn't spoken to you in over a month....you are offended. Your childhood buddy doesn't tell you they are getting engaged, something that you never imagined they would hide from you. You stop talking to them. You aren't invited to a wedding even though you invited them very recently. You are fuming and decide you are done.
Sound familiar? How many of you face this regularly? You are so sensitive and caring of others, you always consider other people's feelings but when it comes to you, they don't reciprocate.
But did you pick up the phone, have a conversation and even ask them what really happened? Never ask over text, it is impersonal no matter how many emoticons you use. It could be a simple oversight, we are allowed those sometimes or it could be something entirely different.
You discover that her mother had taken ill and she was dealing with her health.
Your buddy was unsure his partner would say yes, and so didn't tell you in case she said no!
Your invitation was lost by the courier guy.
What do you do instead, you make it personal. You make it about yourself. You have a conversation with yourself that spirals into you shouting at the other person all in your head, because of course you would never do it in person. You stop talking to them properly and they are left wondering what happened! It's so common for people to make everything about themselves because they don't pause, they don't take a step back to ask themselves or the other person.... especially if it's someone you trust and love, hey what happened? Why didn't you tell anyone? They are simply so caught up in their mental dialogue that it has gone rogue....that they convince themselves that that's it, i am never talking to her again! Then the silent treatment begins.
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You know why this happens....what causes you to feel so upset and hurt? So enraged at the unfair treatment.....it's your low self esteem talking. It's saying you aren't good enough, worthy enough of being told, being included. So you are angry mostly at yourself for not being good enough, but it manifests elsewhere with other people.
A beautiful book based on the Toltec tradition has been written on this called The Four Agreements. Its beauty is its simplicity, and yet has a very powerful message. One of the agreements that you must make with yourself is to never take anything personally. To never assume that something someone does has anything whatsoever to do with you. Avoiding years of misunderstanding and acrimony.
Recently there was a small engagement ceremony in my family and I chose not to share this news with a group of close friends. I thought to myself let it happen first. I wasn't thinking of my friend, let alone offending her. I was thinking about the specialness of the occasion and how I wanted to respect its sanctity. I wanted to wait till it was done. One person was offended I didn't tell them earlier than others, as though that defined their place in my heart and the other was offended because I informed them on a whatsapp group. So instead of sharing in my joy, sharing my excitement....they simply managed to ruin it. So many of us are guilty of being unable to not associate meanings to information and words that are not intended. What they call in the Landmark forum....your "stories" and not the facts. Your stories play like a little drama series in your head in which you are co-starring along with others who feed the story and pump up applause for your offense.
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Rarely does anyone set out to offend someone. 'Hmmm.....let me see who all can I hurt today?' Especially if you share a close relationship....let it go. Let it pass and understand that this moment is not about you. Don't be passive aggressive instead ask questions....hey what happened? Why didn't you call me? Are you ok? Possibly the answer won't satisfy you. Likely it won't. Nonetheless, I believe that your friend had her reasons. Trust and have faith in who you are as a person. Your own sensitivity, of which you are so proud, is doing you a disservice. Part of being sensitive is knowing what to say and when. Or not to say.
Rarely is something done with the sole intention of hurting someone. So next time that happens, recognise that it is your 'mental monkey talking' the one that is dancing on your self esteem. Take a step back, and say, hey this isn't about me. It's not personal. There will be times when it happens way too many times, if it does....you can choose to walk away. But it still does not define you.
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